Widow's Mite

This message from Dr. Eggerich in a video conference of Love & Respect really moved me.  I hope I'm not stepping on any copyright or changing the impact if you go to a conference (which I strongly encourage you to do). I couldn't find a link to any site or video but I wanted to credit Dr. Eggerichs.

We may all be familiar with the Sunday School story from Mark 12:41-43 or Luke 21: 1-4.  But it was the context of the plot that Dr. Eggerics pointed out that overwhelmed me with the power of this story.  Jesus entered Jerusalem on a crescendo of public support for what they hoped would be political revolution, overthrowing the corrupt Romans and hypocritical religious elite that teamed up to opress them.  The people were thirsty for the justice of His message & cheered his entry to Jerusalem with Palm branches!  He entered the Temple & began teaching, criticizing the opression of the Romans and the hypocracy of the Jewish religous elite, but He didn't seem to be doing anything.

Many followers and members in the audience probably hoped for him to pick up the mantle of revolution that Barabbas and his followers had failed to succeed in.  But the longer he talked, he seemed to be asking them to change.  He didn't discourage them from paying burdensome taxes to a corrupt Roman regime (even when specifically set up by the sceming religious leaders) and instead began talking of the resurrection; another kingdom to come, and the support probably waned.  Like me, they were impatient for God's justice here and now; uwilling to change themselves.

Then, with all the public's attention focused on Him, Jesus stopped in the middle of the Temple, and focused like a lazer on the widow's donation of a mere pittance in comparison to the wealthy gifts of those around her.  What's more, the donation would go to an elite religous establishment he has been criticizing as hypocritical and greedy! It would probably just buy more jewelery for the Pharisees mistresses!  But Jesus ignored the effect (or lack therof) the sacrafice would have here in this earth, but instead focused on the widow's motivation and sacrafice: what it cost her and how it will change her, not the world around her.

That's what we can give; ourselves.  We can give our obedience. That's what Jesus wants in I Peter 3:4.  That's what it takes to be citizens of God's kingdom: our obedience in giving sacrafices that no one will notice that might go to what seems to us to be evil purposes here on this earth.  Because it's in the act of obediently sacraficing ourselves to whatever end we are commanded to; trusting God for our care.

No mess to big

Today as I went about my tasks, I now allow Faith to tag along in different rooms of the house she hasn't been in very often, so I watched Faith get into things in exploring and I gauged when to intervene. Sometimes I was tempted to stop her because it would create a bigger mess than I wanted to take the time to clean up with her. (At this age she's not much help with the clean up.) I contemplated whether this is selfish on my part...maybe she should have this chance to analyze a little.  Other times I don't feel I have a choice because the danger is too great.

Being an English teacher I realized another aspect of the epic metaphor of parenting that God has so beautifully designed.  There's no mess too big for God to clean up & no danger so great He cannot heal if we bring it to Him.  So He allows us to get into some pretty big messes in exploring our world.  He probably does sigh, anticipating a huge cleanup, & sometimes I'm sure He's not happy watching us live in our own filth for awhile until we come to Him for help.  But it is the Enemy who would have us believe that God can't or won't clean our messes or heal our self-inflicted wounds.  Don't listen.

A modern Barabbas: Dorner & who will be the LAPD's neighbor?

I've grown up in Southern CA my entire life.  My family has been in CA for 4 generations now.  I never would have thought I would feel sympathy for a "cop killa."  I don't agree with much of Dorner's politics, and I am a Christian.  But I can no longer in good conscience pray only that Dorner doesn't hurt anyone else.  I am compelled to also pray for organizational change within the LAPD.

I remember the Rodney King scandal and the LA Riots and Mark Furman at the OJ trial as a confused tween.  I didn't know what to think; heard lots of defense/reasoning for the police from how King had a history of addiction to how he led them on a high speed chase, etc.  Since I had little experience with either police or drugs, I followed what my elders and the Bible told me: to respect and support those in authority.  The riots were terrifying, and many other people were hurt and killed, it couldn't possibly be justified, right? Later in history class, I learned about slavery and the Civil War.  Things have improved since then, right? I reasoned.  Then OJ.  He clearly did it, right?  What does a racist detective have to do with anything?

I've had a lot of discussions and realizations regarding race and drugs and society since then from college & through 10 years of working with all kinds of people in all walks of life.  I married a Latino who had a VERY different upbringing and experiences with law enforcement and had a few negative experiences together with the LAPD while dating.  And now Dorner.  I felt so terrible for the Quan family watching the coverage of the couple's execution Monday, & could tell that law enforcement and the media were baffled. 

Wednesday night I heard that they had found the person responsible for the couple's murder and was glad.  But on the way to work Thursday I was terrified and called my husband to ask him to stay home from work.  I wasn't terrified because they hadn't caught Dorner.  I was terrified of the LAPD.  I knew what so many minorities must live with on an everyday basis for so long.  What finally put me in their shoes?  I own a grey Nissan truck.

I'm a selfish, fallen human being.  I feel sick at what Dorner did to his union rep/lawyer Quan's daughter and her fiance, and Officer Cain.  But I'm overwhelmed with a mother's terror and self-preservation and the image of a shot up blue Toyota truck with bulletholes where my daughter would be riding in her carseat and bulletholes all over the surrounding neighborhood.  And I'm no longer willing to hear excuses like "it was shotgun pellets, the truck had no lights on," or that "it was driving slow, & tossing projectiles that could be explosives" or that "it didn't respond to warnings." 

If I were in favor of gun control before, why would I be in favor of it after knowing the LAPD would remain armed while I remain helpless?  The LAPD is stretched to it's limit with 50 details protecting it's own, leaving the rest of us to fend for ourselves for 10 minutes or more when we call 911.

Quan has suffered the unspeakable terror of losing a daughter and that was almost visited on a poor Chinese woman as well.  Law Enforcement is to be considered professionals for a reason: they aren't supposed to be trigger happy in residential neighborhoods and then make excuses about the victims being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Needless to say, I was more willing to hear Dorner's side while in this mood.  And that's the LAPD's problem all along.  They have NEVER ONCE issued a mea culpa for ANYTHING in my lifetime.  Not for Rodney King, not for Mark Furman, not for Giovanni Ramirez, not for Christopher Dorner.  It's nothing but excuses and I'm not willing to hear them anymore.  And in such I mood I read Dorner's "manifesto."

There was nothing in Dorner's post that caused me to fear for my personal safety or that of any of my friends or family, but I can ceratinly see why that post (combined with his actions) strikes fear into the heart of everyone in law enforcement and their families.  As an Angelino who doesn't have a dog in either fight, I have more to fear from the LAPD for the duration of this hunt than I do from Dorner.

That's not to say that I'm not heartbroken and angry for the murders of innocent people that Dorner is accused of committing.  & there you see the second problem for the LAPD: my shift in my language.  Even given the threats clearly written in his post, I'm not entirely willing to discount a farfetched conspiracy we could only dream of at this point. so a little tip: let some other agency bring him in. and above all don't kill him and make him into a martyr.   And I'm a little baffled at their incompetence in the ensuing search.

He doesn't seem to be the one with a problem hitting his intended targets, and as selfish as it sounds, neither I nor my friends or family are on that list.

This selfish thinking is an evil temptation of my selfish, fallen thinking.  And this is Dorner's main problem.  He appears to have had good friendships, intelligence and resources to fall back on, until he sold his soul to make this point.  Was my epiphany regarding how terrifying the LAPD truly is, really worth your life and soul, Mr. Dorner?  That is terribly sad, and I pray you repent and value your life over your name.  Is being a murderer of innocent family members truly a better name than the liar you were accused of being?  And how sad that none of your friends were willing to get you the mental counseling you so desperately needed before you hurt others, and still need before you hurt more.

In reading your list of grievances, my husband and I knew it was true, because we have both experienced similar corruption in the nepotism of employment in government agencies.  It baffles me how the LAPD could never once fire an officer for mistreating/ridiculing a suspect but fire an officer for the 1st offence of lying about a colleague/partner. 

But this is not a reason to dedicate your life to waging psychological warfare by taking the innocent lives of their family members.  If you truly cared about the public, you seem intelligent enough to know that the LAPD will take it out on the rest of us.  And that is the real tragedy of those who would call you a hero.  They will suffer the most in all of this. You told the Chief that he needs a "come to Jesus moment" & I pray you are still open to one of your own.

You are wrong about Jesus, Mr. Dorner.  He may not have been called the racial ephithet used for African Americans, but he was called other names. You also profoundly misunderstand His story, fiction or nonfiction.  And the Bible is poetry, mytheme, self-help theology/philosophy, and so much more.  Jesus was railroaded by a corrupt court and lying witnesses in the middle of the night, and tortured and publicly ridiculed so a murdering freedom fighter could be free. So in a very real way, Mr. Dorner, Jesus took the place of someone just like you.

You opened our eyes to some really repulsive behavior by your colleagues, and in your fallen way, you are trying to even the scales in the best way you know how.  But it will not work.  It can't.

Systemic corruption including nepotism and abuse of the public trust doesn't necessitate or justify murder to bring attention to it or change it.  But the fact that it has led to several murders which the public has generally responded with "We don't condone that...but..." should give the LAPD and indeed the Department of Justice pause.  This is a long haul, and we better begin to pray hard.  But this time, I choose Jesus, not Barabbas.

A satirical analogy to argue the destructive effects of the ubiquity of porn

In my high school psychology class I remember the teacher explaining that we cannot control whether or not our eyes dilate when we see things we want. So, for example, what causes men's eyes to dilate the most? duh, naked women. now for the tough one, guys. What causes a woman's eyes to dilate? ... $$$? clothes? chocolate? ummm something that's a symbol of power? 20 minutes before they gave up & she gave us girls a shot. I said "babies" & a guy in the back (I think Randy Stone) interjected "Naked babies!? you're sick!"
On that note, since men driven to seek sex by sight & women are driven to seek motherhood through all senses, what if there were an industy which offered young girls of an impressionable age (say, 11 or 12) the tactile experience of playing with a cute baby whenever they wanted, on demand, yet without any of the unpleasant responsibilities or aspects of a real baby, such as dirty diapers, spitting up, messy feedings, fussiness when tired, illnesses, etc.
How could anyone argue that this is exploiting or dehumanizing the babies? We would only allow cute, well tempered babies to participate of course, & when they reach an age of getting into things & the tantrums of toddlerhood we would just grant them $$ & let their nannies/parents deal with them.
The young girls who participate would of course just enjoy the experience and still understand that the experience was unrealistic and drop those expectations when they actually become parents and not resent their own babies for the realities of their existence in infancy or as they grow into toddlers and older children. They might even want to become nannies of the industry themselves and deal with all those unpleasant realities just so that other young girls could enjoy the pleasant experiences with the babies. Of course they would NEVER choose that program over their own real life children!
This is only to point out that though women are as capable as men of growing into mature adults, the flat charicatures presented by the porn industry are as realistic as babies who never cry or poop & sleep on demand. And the men who watch it and find it as arousing as real sex are analogous to 11 yr old girls playing with babies and assuming they have the ability to be mothers.
We may have stumbled upon the reason young girls buy prom dresses from stripper websites and teenage boys roll their eyes and say "Bitches man, u know how they be" as soon as a teenage girl resents disrespectful behavior and demands to be treated better. Unfortunately this unhealthy cycle is repeated in our society at infinitum.
PS, I wrote this as my lovely daughter giggled and played nearby. She's about as close to one of those dream babies as anyone could find :) I try not to hold this expectation for any of her siblings!

Healthy Balance of attachment parenting

So thanks for the loan of the Time article with the infamous cover. :) (you know who you are) But despite the aweful cover & "Are you mom enough?" challenge, it was an interesting article. What really got me was the sentence "the prevalenceof this philosophy [attachment parenting] has shifted mainstream American parenting toward a style that's more about parental devotion and sacrafice than about raising self-sufficient kids."
It's a hot issue for Jerry & I after struggling to "Ferberize" our daughter, Faith's sleep habits & while we read Boundaries with Kids by Cloud & Townsend about how to hold children accountable & discipline them appropriately to their stages of development.
It has always struck me that a healthy balance faces the enemy of both extremes & this seems to be the case of every vital spiritual battle. Dr. Sears bio was interesting, & it seems obvious that he doesn't endorse parenting that drains the parent of any humanity for every physical whim of the child. This is crippling & dangerous to a child in later stages of life but I am SO GRATEFUL for the scientific insight attachment parenting has given to the 1st three months of an infants' life!
It's interesting that the cover Time chose for "Tiger Mom" was slightly less *shocking.* I don't understand why society has such a difficult time accepting that life grows through STAGES, each of which requires it's own challenges & graces. When I read the Femenine Mystique I was most persuaded by her argument that although mothers VITALLY NEED TO SPEND THE 1ST YEARS OF LIFE HOME with their children before school, mothers should have educations and careers once the children are more self-sufficient. Somehow modern society changed her message from the 1st few years of life to the 1st six weeks! What's suprising to me is how many WOMEN judge one another for taking more/less time off of work for maternity leave and pumping or formula feeding, etc. Why not be grateful that we are all blessed to make the choices we can & do what we can to help other families?! I know most of you are my friends because you share the same sentiments and so I am preaching to the choir or venting for the most part.
I previously wrote during pregnancy of my frustration with the lack of part time work available to young parents, despite how beneficial it would be to the families and the economy. Why is it so dang difficult for people to use common sense?! Please pray that we can find part time work.

Catch 22 in the NICU

Faith's 1st week has been a rollercoaster ride to say the least and I in looking to God's blessing in it all, we have our daughter home, her perfect health, and lots of expert advice that helped Jerry & I avoid a lot of nervous 1st parent skirmishes.
The minute my water broke & I opted for vaginal delivery over C-section, we didn't know it but because I was GBS positive (see previous note) it was decided that Faith would be in the NICU for at least 3 days on antibiotics while they waited for her blood cultures to come back. When she passed meconium it caused greater concern and meant that she would get an X-ray to rule out aspiration, (which was negative). The cord was wrapped tightly around her neck, causing her to fall into the category of respitory distress at birth. And to top it all off we have conflicting blood types (my type is negative so my body will create antibodies that will fight her positive blood type) so I was given RhoGAM, which led to a mild case of jaundice that kicked in on her 2nd day, exacerbated by the dehydration that results from waiting for a mother's milk to come in.
It's protocol for the NICU to send a social worker to all parents upon admission, & the social worker was very supportive. While the NICU was dealing with all of this they told us Faith would be released Monday the 19 when her course of antibiotics was complete if her culture came back negative. They allowed me an extra 24 hours in recovery simply because Faith was in the NICU, and I faithfully attended feedings and she latched on like a chomp-I mean champ. I didn 't even notice how swollen my feet were until a day later when I took my socks off and I freaked out and asked the nurse for something to help. She just told me I have to stop walking so much. I thought "Yeah right lady! all the other moms get to have their baby in the room with them!
I had a rough time seeing her hooked up to an IV & all those leads with beeping machines and then under the lights because of jaundice that I felt was my fault because they said dehydration contributed to it & my milk wasn't coming in. The reality is that most infants develop jaundice at home but get over it. Faith just happened to already be in the NICU. Jerry thought I was opposed to formula but the truth is I was starting to go numb with it all. My mother's instinct was telling me that there was nothing seriously wrong with my daughter but everyone else seemed to treat me like I was being reckless with her health and didn't care.
Jerry & I spent Sunday racing back & forth for feedings thinking Faith would be released the next day...only to hear the pediatrician tell us that the last neonatologist had not paid attention to some breathing trouble (low oxygen saturation apneas) she had Saturday and Sunday...that Faith would have to stay through Wednesday. I was harmonal, physically exhausted & the thought of 3 more days like this was unbearable so when the pediatrician offered a 2nd opinion we jumped at the chance. We should've known a NICU version of good cop-bad cop was coming. If I had been more level headed I would've thought to call my cousin Jennifer then. But another neonatologist came in and pretty much lectured us that our baby's breathing WASN'T NORMAL without giving us any specifics (as if I were too dumb to understand the specifics) and said that she must stay through 5 more days through Friday the 23rd or sign her out against medical advice. I was too upset to ask that neonatologist for specifics as to what was normal. I didn't want to sign her out because I wouldn't be able to survive if I took her home & something happened in her sleep, not to mention negatively affect her further care in Kaiser.
I pretty much became hysterically upset, and they sent another social worker to convince us to "do what's best for the baby." She signed us up for a CPR class on Wednesday and agreed to ask if the parent room is available for us to stay in. When I went to Faith's next feeding I was exhausted & Jerry was changing the diaper & from around the corner I heard the sound of a LOUD whoopie cushion & Jerry yell "NURSE, HELP!" then I saw poop all over his hand & began uncontrollably laughing and since I didn't have any urinary continence all I could do was continue to laugh and she continued to poop! it projected and splattered the wall of the incubator and I couldn't control either my laughter or my bladder and I was getting worried I was going to rip my stitches while Jerry asked why I didn't come to help...one of the nurses laughed with me (she had seen me hysterical earlier) & said that uncontrollable laughter is better than uncontrollable tears!
In the next two days it was a waiting game and since we were staying in the parent room it wasn't so bad & my mood improved dramatically. Jerry & I had some wonderful new parent moments together & were glad to see her IV heparin lock and came to realize how easy we have it compared to the other parents there. They have other children, have to work, may be single mothers, & their children have truly life threatening ailments. One of the nurses told us not to spend so much time playing with her or we'd exhaust ourselves, but I think it was also because some of the other parents must have had a hard time overhearing us, not to mention my hysterical laughter over her explosive exorcist bowel movement when most of those babies don't have a functioning digestive system yet.
Then Wednesday morning a 4th neonatologist saw her and said her hip was popping which could be a displaced hip (or something like that,) due to her breech birth. I told her that Faith wasn't born breech & she said "oh, then she's probably ok." We asked her about the low oxygen saturation apnea episodes and she said that she hadn't had any since Sunday. As she was talking Faith's oxygen saturation monitor came off and fell into midair but continued to register for about 30 seconds as if Faith's oxygen was going up & down. When I pointed this out, she said she's never seen that before and ordered a whole new monitor. We had seen some premies sent home with a monitor who were still struggling with apneas, so we asked the neonatologist, and she said we didn't need one because she was breathing normally, and then we asked if she was breathing normally, then why couldn't we take her home??!! She said that Faith needed 5 days of observation...blah!
The charge nurse asked Jerry when we would have our stuff out of the parent room, and he asked what other parent needed it. I went back to take a shower and another social worker knocked on the door. We told her we have no problem leaving the room when any other parent needs it, we would just hang out in the waiting room. She asked us if we were homeless and why we had such an abnormal attachment to our baby when so many other parents don't spend so much time in the NICU, and why we have such problems with authority. I should've cut off talking to her but again, I felt as if these people were holding my baby hostage.
We played the race around every 3 hours game until Thursday morning when Jerry asked if the room was available again because I was beyond exhaustion. The same charge nurse told Jerry that there were some parents ready to deliver a premie & he asked to speak with her supervisor...I asked if the parents were delivering a premie, wouldn't they have a recovery room like all mothers who deliver in the hospital? The supervisor agreed and gave us the room again. The nurse also agreed to call me if Faith cried, so I was finally able to sleep 2 straight hours and it did wonders. I knew we were on the tail end of this, my eyes on the prize of Friday when I could finally hold Faith without any leads and no longer have her "rated" every feeding. To be fair to the charge nurse, they have to maintain the babies' confidentiality as I have to maintain students' confidentiality from other parents and it was probably becoming worrysome that we were in there so often able to overhear so many conversations.
Thank goodness my cousin Jennifer texted and offered to speak with Faith's pediatrician and interpret her chart for us to make sure we understood what was going on. She said that our pediatrician was making medically sound though cautious decisions, and it was reassuring to us. The main reason the other neonatologist had said Faith's troubles weren't normal was because they are after 24 hours of life, and that the reason we didn't need a monitor was because now she was showing no further trouble. We were better able to realize who and what we were most frustrated with.
When Thursday night finally came I pumped enough milk to sleep & I wasn't as concerned about her taking formula that we were able to sleep more than ever before she came home. As we were leaving the nurse loaded us up with more free diapers and whatnot than we could carry and as a volunteer to feed the babies came by she got whiplash from shock at how large Faith was compared to the other babies. I'm glad she's home now

Labor of Love for baby Faith

I was almost a week past my due date and as most of you know, trying several things (mostly walking) to start labor because I didn't want to be induced and had a fear of the pain caused by pitocin (figuring I could handle natural contractions better, guess I will have to wait until next time around to find out). My midwife was sure I would go into labor anyway, and I read up on the risks of post date babies-Faith was not going to be large and only 5% of babies that even pass meconium ever breathe it in.

Wednesday night the 14th we got stuck in traffic from that tanker explosion on the 60 and I couldn't walk as much but apparently that's what it took because when we got home my water broke around 9pm. I told Jerry & we went to the hospital. I was frustrated that this was the way labor started because I knew I was bacterial group B strep positive (GBS), which meant even more than most women, the hospital would worry about infection and put me on a time clock: must deliver within 24 hours, I even considered waiting for contractions to start but Jerry wasn't comfortable with that.

This will all be important later but GBS is a kind of bacteria that naturally lives in adults' digestive tracts, and becomes elevated when a person gets a urinary tract infection (UTI). I was positive for it at 35 weeks while I was still working. The symptoms of a UTI are feeling like you have to urinate but not being able to go, so go figure a 9 month pregnant woman wouldn't be able to tell the difference! Dehydration makes it worse and I wasn't drinking much while I was still working. Once I was off work I drank a lot more and started urinating a lot more so I may not have even had it 6 weeks later when my water broke but there was no time to retest.

I had researched and a laboring woman who is GBS positive should have antibiotics to protect the baby 4 to 5 hours before delivery. Of course the hospital wanted to start me on an IV of antibiotics right away through a continuous IV. I didn't want that yet because I wanted to walk around so I asked if I could merely have the antibiotic without the IV and was told no, so I refused the antibiotic until my contractions started, figuring no baby is going to fall out without contractions. The doctor replied "If you want to have a home birth that's your business, but you're in a hospital." She checked me and said the same thing my midwife had said a week before: 2 cm, 90% effaced, baby's head at plus 1. I guess they figured if I refused the antibiotics it was pointless to offer pitocin so they didn't try. I walked around the 3rd floor of that hospital until 3am with Jerry's nephew Eddie & his girlfriend. One doctor commented that I don't even walk like a pregnant woman. Still feeling no contractions, I went to sleep from exhaustion.

At 5 am another doctor took over the shift and woke me up to tell me that I was risking my baby's health by refusing the antibiotics and I repeated my reasoning about the 5 hours before birth IV fluid and she said I could just have the antibiotics through my heparin lock every 4 hours & I said if they had told me that before I would've taken it 8 hours ago! They still declined to check my progress for fear of infection and said they would wait for contractions. Walked again for another 3-4 hours without contractions until at 9 or 10 am the midwife on shift checked me and said I was maybe 2 and a half cm. She also said that she could still feel the amniotic sac so I must have a high leak, like up by Faith's feet, so I asked if that was safer for infection and she was already breaking my sac from the bottom so I hoped that would help labor progress. At this time the fluid was still completely clear-no meconium. I asked if I could still walk while on pitocin and was told no. So I bit the bullet & figured if sitting in a car broke my water when walking wouldn't, maybe relaxing on pitocin will move things along, so I asked for a low dose.

Noon, lunchtime, nothing, please up the dose. 2pm, ok feeling a few contractions, maybe 15 minutes apart, up the dose please, oh wait, it's already as high as it will go? 3pm OH MY GOD MY BODY IS BEING SPLIT IN TWO THIS IS GOING TO BE LIKE THAT SCENE FROM TWILIGHT & MY DAUGHTER WILL GROW UP WITHOUT A MOTHER!!!!! I tried moving, breathing, sitting on a ball, laying down...screaming & music...I remember asking to check my progress because now I was considering an epidural and wanted to be at least 4cm but they refused because of a risk of infection and said that my contractions weren't close enough together. Jerry said they were about 3-5 minutes apart. I remember a nurse saying that it doesn't matter what my progress is because if I can't take the pain I need an epidural...When she changed shifts I remember Grace saying "This nurse seems nicer" really loudly in front of the other nurse... Jerry told me his dad sent a txt joking that I should hold the baby for a few more hours so she could be born on his birthday & I yelled "Then he can come feel these contractions for me!!!"

After that it really goes blurry and I'm told I made a few zingers like when Jerry told me Faith would have my nose I screamed "I HATED MY NOSE IN HIGH SCHOOL!!!" I finally gave in to the epidural because I couldn't figure out why Jerry kept showing me a 3d ultrasound of a baby, slept in the minute or so between contractions, then I got even more confused by the same pic, then spent the minutes between contractions figuring it out and remembered I was in labor. I figured if I was this out of it I needed an epidural. it must have been around 5:30 because when the anesthesiologist came in around 6 and asked me about any health conditions I wanted to show that I still had my mental faculties so I told him I was in labor. Somehow I think it had the opposite of the effect I desired because he laughed along with everyone else. Jerry waited outside the door yelling support through the contractions while the anesthesiologist did a fantastic job because apparently I fell asleep while sitting up before they could lay me down again. Once I woke up enough to talk around 9pm I just felt frustrated to be confined to the bed with no ability to do anything but pray. God teaches us lessons in different ways for different people. I couldn't walk, pee or do anything but relax & let my body work while I couldn't even feel what it was doing (thank God!) We talked with the nurse who apparently had been offered the chance to be on the team that delivered octomom, but declined.

around 11pm they checked me and I was 6 cm...I was so discouraged-14 hours to go from 2cm to 6? But I will say that this is the one thing I learned for my own future reference...for some women being checked & told their progress may be an encouragement, but not for me. I sent a text to my family that they might as well go to sleep and told Jerry to let his dad know that he was going to get his wish about sharing a birthday as long as I didn't take another 25 hours...

So the nurse was going off shift around 3am & did the usual temperature, blood pressure, etc. She checked me (which surprised me because of the whole infection thing). She said "ur ready to have a baby!" & ran out of the room. I rolled my eyes & figured it was an encouraging statement or I was dreaming. She came back in with a cart, 2 other nurses, turned on all the lights & Jerry woke up & asked what was going on & she looked at me as if "U didn't tell him?" so I said, "She said we're having a baby?" so we both looked at her and asked something like "U mean NOW?" & she just seemed frustrated like we were not listening...I texted my sister & mom & Vanessa, Jerry's mom left so Vanessa could come in. The nurse told me that sometimes 1st time mothers have to push for an hour or more but to just push when I felt pressure...then I said "Oh, I've been feeling pressure sometimes and it's been waking me up" The nurse looked at me & shook her head.

I felt pressure & tried my 1st pushes & Vanessa said I was doing well, the nurse seemed surprised I was doing so well and called the doctor. They watched me for a few pushes and said I was doing well but were concerned that my oxygen levels & Faith's heart rate went down when I pushed, so they gave me a mask & put an internal monitor on Faith's head...Jerry said her heart rate went as low as 80.
 I noticed the doctor looked ready to cut an episiotomy if Faith didn't appear so I pushed past the end of the contraction. Vanessa said she could see lots of hair & Jerry tells me this caused him to look. Then the doctor said she had to cut the cord because it was around her neck so I waited, I thought I had to push the rest of her body out but then the doctor said there was thick meconium and pulled the rest of her body out and Vanessa said that she was really long. I couldn't see her anymore behind all the nurses and pediatricians-it looked like there were about 6-8...I just wanted to hear her or see something...Faith's color didn't look good to me, Jerry said he could see her arms move. Then she cried. Shortly after they put her on my chest in a blanket and she looked right at me. I can't even describe what relief & love I felt. Then they whisked her out of the room and some nurse popped up in my face asking me what race the baby was. Again, Jerry & I were completely confused....for all I know we picked Asian. I didn't see Faith again until around 3 hours later under a ton of cables & tubes, and that begins the story of Faith & the Catch 22 in the NICU....Oh by the way, final count: lose a 7 pound baby, a placenta, fluid & I gained 2 pounds since Monday...go figure