Ethan's birth

Late again. Over a week post date & waiting, just like with Faith. I started answering the phone "nope. Not in labor." At one point there was a mix up in which the midwife thought I might have pre-eclampsia because of protein in my urine but it was just a glitch. I was MUCH larger than with Faith, but now caring for Faith & having contractions every night. My doula Kym was so supportive & helpful navigating all of this. Jerry was home working on electrical while waiting for Ethan.

I knew I had a lot of fluid, & I turned down offers to check Ethan's size. I know that given how he ended up being large & I needed a C-section some will think that was an unfortunate decision that could have saved me the trial of labor but I don't regret it because I wouldn't have chosen to have a c-section anyway. As it was I had to deal with the stress of resisting an induction, and had they induced labor earlier I doubt his head would have been any smaller.

So on the 24th, 3 days before Thanksgiving my nightly contractions didn't stop & that's when I realized this was for real. Jerry & I were chatting something about my Grandpa when I checked the app & realized the contractions were 5 min apart & I called my mom. That realization seemed to make them stronger!

When I called Kym thank goodness she reminded me to slow my my breathing & moan low because she heard me gasping over the phone. She made the Great suggestion to get in the bath. I thanked my lucky stars Faith was sleeping through all this.

When contractions got 2 min apart Jerry wanted to call mom to meet her at the hospital but I said my mom would make it & she did. Just in time for Faith to wake up & me to get into my bathrobe & puke on the floor.

At the hospital there was some confusion between the entrance to the ER & L&D. By the time I was checking in, telling them it was my 2nd birth they were begging me not to push & running me in on wheelchair at top speed. Joke was on them!

I couldn't stay still for contractions but I had no urge to push. When the midwife checked me she said I was dilated to 8 & I was surprised! Joke was on me.

They put in a hep lock & Kym arrived & helped make the contractions much more bearable with massage & coaching ...the midwife changed shifts to Jenni (who had a lovely British accent). 

Kym suggested I pee but I couldn't, & 2 hours later when they checked again I wasn't dilated any further. So they catheterized my bladder to drain it, not much difference so we asked to break my water.

I was nauseated & thank goodness Kym was there with lavender & a puke bag. I couldn't stand contractions laying down, & so being checked was unbearable. The nurse was very preoccupied with the fetal monitor because my movement would cause the monitor to lose his heartbeat. By this time I began to register that my labor wasn't working as quickly through transition.

It had been 5-6 hours in transition, I was dilated to about 9 but his head was still at 0 station & not decending.  The breaks between contractions were helpful & I remember Jerry sleeping while Kym supported me.

 Jenni said that he may be facing the wrong direction, like sunny-side up or forehead presenting or something. I think she may have tried to turn his head while checking me, that was the worst pain I've ever felt.

The OB came in & despite my comments on her colorful jacket & addressing her, she didn't acknowledge my existence. Jenni suggested Pitocin & I was agreeable as long as I had an epidural 1st. But I needed a full bag of saline before they could give me an epidural. That took an hour. Probably the longest of the hours.

Dr Lee was the anesthesiologist & when he came said that he'd been watching my chart waiting for me to call! He was so kind. But the epidural took about half an hour to kick in, & that had not happened with Faith-it had been instantaneous. Once it kicked in I texted people asking them to pray that Ethan's head would turn & decend.

Finally I was dilated to 10 but his head was not decending. The OB came in again, still didn't acknowledge me & made some loud remarks to Jenni about how she didn't believe in "laboring down" because she hadn't read any studies that showed it works.

So we began to push with every other contraction while they flipped me like a pancake from side to side every 20 minutes or so. They gave me a towel to pull on & tried everything else but ultimately, after 2-3 hours his head wouldn't budge.

Now the OB actually introduced herself, looked me in the face & explained that this labor was far outside the curve & that his heart rate was increasing & my temperature was rising, which could indicate an infection so I should have a c-section. 

I asked for time to discuss it.

The possibility of infection was what caused me realize that a c-section needed to be done. I might have waited longer if I were not risking Ethan getting an infection.

I began to shake uncontrollably. Convulsing would not be an exaggeration. Dr Lee was obviously conserned because he & the nurse were saying "that's normal" & then looking at each other like it obviously wasn't. They couldn't begin until I stopped & I was breathing slow & he gave me 4 more medications until it stopped.

When he was born & weighed the nurse said "that's not right.." (NOT the best thing to say to a new mom on an operating table who can't see what's going on). Then they said he was 9 pounds 3oz & 21.5 inches. He just looked too skinny to weigh that much.

He had a dent in the top of his head, but no cone shape, so We'll never know if his head was too big or facing the wrong way but either way, he clearly was having trouble coming down through. But he's here without injury & I was cared for with kindness & respect :)

Kym & Jenni came to see him & all of the nurses commented how he latched on right away (thank goodness the anesthesia hadn't worn off yet!)

Jerry's whole family waited outside to see him as I was wheeled off & poor Kym was off to another long labor!

On Abortion...my "choose life" manifesto

Since bearing and birthing my daughter and the Gosnell case, I've been galvanized to devour all the news I can on abortion.  My interests always seem to fall into the history, rhetoric & legalities of an issue.  I should donate more of my earnings and my time, but it's always with me in my thoughts and prayers.

During High School, active in church and youth group, constantly babysitting, I was (of course) avidly, unswervingly pro-life, anti-abortion, end of discussion.  It's evil, it's wrong, end of story.  I thought the women who choose it were immoral and abortionists & clinic workers were demon possessed.

But just like my narrow life experience caused me to interpret the book of Acts to mean that Jesus' apostles had the Bible bound in paperback edition and were distributing it to a literate populace, I thought it all began with Roe vs. Wade, 1972.  I also never considered that I or my friends would ever be within 4 billion light years of that choice.  We were all virgins (in my mind), had never suffered sexual abuse & would get married, never have a miscairrage or an unexpected pregnancy & have 3.5 children.

Then, through college I made poor choices.  I never got pregnant, but some of my friends did.  Some even chose abortions and I all the sudden found myself realizing I was their friend, and I might make a different choice, but if I were to judge them in that situation, it would be the wost hypocracy.  But, out of sight, out of mind.  Only when I was pregnant, a little earlier than planned and faced with the reality of being responsible for a human life did it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I was terrified, and I had an education, career, a husband, supportive family, & I have to admit, it always caught me off-guard when people told me "congratulations!" because deep down, I was scared and stressed out.

I really felt horribly conflicted.  I imagined how I would feel were I still in college & my relationship with the father weren't supportive.  It's easy to say I would give the child up for adoption, but once I felt that baby kick & saw ultrasounds that looked humaniod, a HUGE part of me felt I was fulfilling my life's purpose, not someone else's!

But in my real life, I had all the support humanly and superhumanly possible.  No excuses for me.  So what does my flesh turn to as a source of fear? The physical discomfort of pregnancy & labor.  I didn't even have much to complain about comparitavely speaking!  Not much morning sickness, not too uncomfortable, & only about 3 hours of pain before I gave in to the epidural.

So then Gosnell's case (or should I say the lack of media coverage of Gosnell's case) woke me out of my stupor during my 2nd pregnancy while wiping away my toddler's 4th poopie of the day.  I remembered hearing about that raid on the news while planning my wedding!  Shook my head & thought, "Well, what do you expect?" & forgot about it.

THAT'S the problem.  A large majority of Pro-life/Anti-abortion people can't empathize with desperate pregnant women or conflicted workers in abortion facilities, so they shake their heads & think "Well, what do you expect?" & would rather not think about the atrocities and so move on.

Once pro-life/anti-abortion people have had their own children they can't truly empathize with a scared teenager.  Or if their contraception works fairly well, they can't understand the fatigued desperation of a umpteenth "oops" baby.

But statistically, many women who get abortions identify as Christian. So they must be struggling with a great guilt, or hypocrisy or have a true split of mind.

In reading Call the Midwife: Farewell to the East End, Jennifer Worth's essay on the history of infanticide & abortion in England was an eye opener.  For centuries, women have suffered the sole financial burder and moral stigma of an "illigitimate" pregnancy (doesn't it sound weird? Illegal pregnancy?) without ANY support (in fact more likely active opposition) from the father, her family, & the government in a society where she had no opportunity in life other than to be married anyway.  There was no education about sex, there was no contraception.  Missing a period & feeling sick to your stomach was that moment when you realized your life, literally, was over.

In 1850, Even if a woman was married, educated and middle class, knowledge & information regarding pregnancy was not just minimal, it was non-existent. As in the local handywoman made an UNeducated guess based on the 100 or so successful or not so successful pregnancies she'd heard about.  No need to rehash the old arguments about profiteering and heartless back-alley abortionists or desperate use of knitting needles and coathangers (none of which were sterile).  What suprised the heck out of me was to learn that many of the "back alley" abortionists of the 1st half of 20th century in the US were doctors and nurses.  But what REALLY left me speechless is that today, legal abortionist still choose to perform the procedure "blind" in facilites that do not meet standards for surgery or hospital admission...Huh?  & the pro choice/abortion movement argues in FAVOR of this!

Even the 20th century's history of maternal care in the developed world is obcene.  Look up twilight sleep!  Not to mention Thalydomide, x-rays on pregnant women's pelvises, & the list could go on.  Even now they've been able to develop the RU-486 (abortion) pill because they realized it was causing miscarriage in pregnant women who took it for ulcers and then prescribed it for inducing labor before they realized it was killing women in labor because of uterine rupture.  Reassuring, huh?

And THAT'S the other problem.  Pro-choice people argue as if it were not just 1950, but 1850!  But only one version of 1850.  In 1850 one of the reasons abortion was illegal in England was because it was performed on underage prostitutes to keep them working.  If they died (as they often did) their bodies were dumped elsewhere.  Today's pro-choice(abortion) movement doesn't even consider that abortions cover abuse, & scoffs at the idea of women being coerced into an abortion she doesn't want.

A girl "illegitimately" pregnant in 1850 faced a very different situation than a single high school or college student with an unplanned pregnancy faces today after her contraception fails. Today, even if her boyfriend, parents and friends are not supportive, she has plenty of other places to turn for financial and emotional support.  That's not to say I'm ignorant of the emotional turmoil.  But the reality is that no girl in the US today can say that because she is unmarried, young and pregnant no man will ever marry her, she will be turned out of every job for life, and she and the child will starve and freeze in the street while people walk by and laugh and spit at her saying "good riddance." But one thing that remains the same is pregnant girls are as unaware of their own anatomy and the processes and proceedures perfomed on them as they could possibly be. 

This is the new millenium.  We have contraception.  We have a government social safety net.  We have extensive knowledge of the need for sterility during surgery.  We have ultrasounds.  We know what an abortion is & we know how to make it RARE & SAFE.  But we don't.

When laws are proposed to require hospital safety standards and technology guided visibility pro-choice/abortion advocates argue it restricts access to abortion.  Why aren't they arguing against the restrictive pricing of abortionists flying from state to state in their private jets, ridiculing their patients while charging $1,000 a pop to wear a white coat while they scrape the modern equivalent of a knitting needle around blindly, using receptionists to administer anesthesia? Instead they argue for the government to subsidize these monstrous fees.  The pro choice/abortion movement argues rigorously to rid the abortion industry of profiteering bad apples, right?  Instead the abortion profit industry  further violates & victimizes obviously desperate women by lying to us there are NO bad apples.  They put forth that all abortionists are caring teddy bears who would do it for free if they could, but they have to feed their familes...& mean Christian pro lifers demonize poor women.

Now that I have been pregnant, this is one thing I would tell a young pregnant woman:  Your cervix is like a vault.  The code has been set to open when the fetus' lungs say "I'm ready to breathe air!"  Abortion means they are going to pry your cervix open.  This will be painful and take 3-4 days before your uterus can be emptied.  If you take the pills home, you can have your abortion in private, but you will have no pain medication and you are risking an unsterile environment and infection. If you opt for the surgery you can have pain medication & anesthesia.  You better pray that the anesthesiologist is trained and does a good job.  Like in any surgery, if they give you too much, you won't wake up.  Pay attention to make sure that the abortionist uses sterile equipment and ultrasound to guide him while he empties your uterus and leaves nothing behind.

Up to this point I've focused on the pregnant woman.  But the pro life argument always focuses on the fetus/baby.  It's moronic to get into the philosophy of whether/when the embryo fetus becomes human or pain capable.  As one doctor testified, it's obvious that the embryos move away from painful stimuli.  Knowing that, it's inhumane not to address fetal pain and apply modern remedies. 

Pro life arguments often gloss over the sad reality that many poverty stricken women in ages past suffocated or abandoned their infants because contraception wasn't available and they couldn't "stomach" an abortion.  Even some middle to upper class infants were victims due to disabilities or undersirable gender.  As is the case in abortions today.  I can't say whether I would parent if I found my fetus were mentally or otherwise disabled rather than give the infant up for adoption.  But any argument regarding the legitimacy of abortion in this case is as moronic as arguing when the fetus becomes human.  A disabled person is not less human, nor is a disabled fetus.  Even if a law were passed against gender based abortions, it's easy for a woman to give some other reason to get around that.  But it would be nice to at least have the law.  There will always be women who will seek abortions and that is a tragedy.  Just as there will always be teens who attempt suicide. 

I've come to the conclusion that making abortion illegal is about as harmful as making suicide or alcohol illegal.  Abortion is a kind of suicide of a symbiotic being.  A woman who has aborted her pregnancy is forever physically and emotionally and spiritually changed.  "Some may be in denial and hide it well with the many other distractions life brings.  That's unfortunate because God can heal and doctors, family and friends can help.  Abortion is not a solution to a problem, any more than suicide is.  But this reality will never stop desperate women from seeking an abortion.

So clearly I'm against abortion, but what do I mean if I think it's harmful to outlaw it?  Well, for starters,

1. All facilities need to be up to hospital standards.
2. Clearly modern medical technology could find a way to administer anesthesia/pain medication to the fetus. 
3. abortionists need to use ultrasound to guide the procedure.
4. abortionists should not recieve any more compensation for their work than a general practitioner in a county hospital.
5. Abortion facilities should be required to notify parents of minors and, like teachers, be required to report suspected abuse, coersion or rape.
6. Abortions should not be permitted on the basis of the fetus' race or gender.

These are indisputable on any logical basis.  If as a result, there are less facilities and less providers, we will find a way to adjust as a society.  We still have many educated people willing to do undesirable but necessary jobs to an acceptable level of quiality, and abortion will be no different.

So at what point does it become absurd to perform an abortion, even under those conditions? the general consensus seems to be 20 weeks, although I would choose 12-15 simply because I've been pregnant and know what it is to feel your uterus grow and the baby move.  But let's say we go with 20 weeks.  This gives a woman roughly 4 months from discovery to decide.  After that point, it's medically safer for the woman to perform a C-section.  For the fetus this is obviously safer, (even at 28 weeks) than being dismembered would have been!  This leaves an unwilling woman between 2 and 5 months to do the fetus and society the service of carrying to term, and I feel we should return the favor by offering her the insurance/healthcare coverage of a C-section.

Abortion pills should be outlawed entirely.  They should go the way of saline abortions.

Of course those abortions that still fall within the legal limits would remain controversial and tragic. But in a society wrestling with legalizing certain drugs, physician assisted suicide and labeling homosexual partnerships "marriages," the Christian battleground should shift from politically lobbying to make immorality illegal and focus on ministering to the wounded; allowing healed and recovering victims to minister to others with their testimony.

Testing in Education

Those of you unfamiliar with the "nuanced" details of testing in education, brace yourselves. As a teacher, I understand the basic premise and won't bore u with the obvious objections. I agree that tests provide a way to asses if the goal was accomplished. (Never mind that we should not assume that those who score below par have learned little or nothing.)

Let's start from the positive premise that most teachers/schools are motivated to educate (not merely entertain) students, reasonably well & that education (although having many investors & shareholders) is not a business with any kind of traditional competitive model.

From this premise we can use testing (assessments) as a method/tool for indicating success. How much success can be accurately measured if these students are NOT, IN ANY WAY accountable for their scores, which will appear nowhere in grades or transcripts? So who is accountable? the principals, & (to a lesser degree) teachers.

It would be like the CEO of a company having profits dependent on the total # of products created, but having NO way to track that data but to supervisors responsible for groups of 200 employees. Beyond bullying the supervisors s/he would have to rely on the benevolent goodwill of the individual employees (who will generally receive the same paycheck regardless of individual output or hours worked).

You can quickly see the trouble. Most of the problems with tests would be solved by consolidating them & putting them on students' transcripts. How?

Johnny works hard all year, earns an A. Does his best on the test, scores basic (C). Parents howl. Maybe we have to accept that Johnny has a great work ethic, just doesn't recall or test or handle pressure as well. Fine. At least we have a more complete picture to send to the college.

What about the more common case that Suzy slacks off, passes with a C, scores advanced (A). Therein lies the untapped potential. How many students would score so much better if they stood to gain? Doesn't change the grade on transcript (which is an idea I have used a few times) because it should still reflect her poor work ethic, this (again) giving a more accurate picture of the whole student.

What are we doing instead?? Spawning a whole greedy industry of test administrators, printers, scorers, etc.

As a teacher, I have 10th graders subjected to a CAHSEE reviewing 8th grade standards, (& their 8th grade scores are in admissible, why??) CST on Science TWICE, some will take AP also. Then 11th grade: now SAT, AP, CST. 12th grade, nothing if student has passed CAHSEE, is satisfied with SAT, & not taking AP.

Does it REALLY take a genius to figure that if CA is going to use 8th grade as a litmus for graduation, if the students score proficient in 8th grade, that's acceptable? That AP tests should take the place of CST? That CST should collaborate with SAT & put it all on the student's transcript for colleges? REALLY??!! (I feel like Seth & Amy on SNL).

I'm willing to bet that if there were a way to correlate SAT scores to 11th grade CST scores at any given high school we could find a pretty clear "motivation" gap (as opposed to the race/income based "achievement" gap we educators are sick of being blamed for.

I truly believe consolidating the tests & holding students accountable to them would not only save $ but start to reveal more ways to truly & meaningfully improve education & effectively fund greater success.

Abortion: the Feminist Inquisition

the Supreme Court legalized abortion in Roe vs. Wade rather than waiting for state legislatures to act. it wasn't a Brown vs. Board of Education moment. It was a Dredd Scott case & I pray we see this soon. In both cases the Supreme Court was attempting to stitch the country together at the expense of human rights.

Gloria Steinem was correct in postulating that "If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament." But that doesn't make it right. If white people were slaves the Civil War might've happened earlier but slavery should never have existed in the 1st place.

in 1973, when Roe vs. Wade went into effect, the bc pill was not in widespread use, much less widely available. The women who testified before committees about their back alley abortions had no access to birth control & had been abandoned by the men who had used them & left. married middle class pregnant women were undergoing routine diagnostic x-rays. Science has come leaps & bounds ahead & yet NARAL & NOW cling to Roe vs. Wade like Southerners to Plessy vs. Ferguson with a religious fervor that would put Eichman & the guards of Auschwitz to shame.

As Lincoln wisely led his generation through the painful purge so we Christian women must lead now. We cannot shame post abortive women and abortion workers as they have been pained by this national sin almost as much as the fetuses that are dumped out the back door as "bio waste." We must show them Jesus' healing love and mercy, & mine their testimonies for useful intel!

As for NARAL & other political allies & profiteers like Planned Parenthood, may God have mercy on their souls for we shall show none for their pocketbooks. Defund & unveil by all moral means available. Can anyone tell us the definitive line between them and a hired hit man? (other than price and volume). Not on my watch, not in my community will this pass unnoticed.

God is in control & I fear to miss out in participating in His plan, so I am praying for the mothers, babies & clinic workers everyday as I drive by the Whittier Planned Parenthood as if it were a concentration camp with ovens blazing. I'm distributing ATTWN fliers when possible. I may tire but if I give up or forget, God will raise up someone else to take my place & I'd much rather we work together.

Widow's Mite

This message from Dr. Eggerich in a video conference of Love & Respect really moved me.  I hope I'm not stepping on any copyright or changing the impact if you go to a conference (which I strongly encourage you to do). I couldn't find a link to any site or video but I wanted to credit Dr. Eggerichs.

We may all be familiar with the Sunday School story from Mark 12:41-43 or Luke 21: 1-4.  But it was the context of the plot that Dr. Eggerics pointed out that overwhelmed me with the power of this story.  Jesus entered Jerusalem on a crescendo of public support for what they hoped would be political revolution, overthrowing the corrupt Romans and hypocritical religious elite that teamed up to opress them.  The people were thirsty for the justice of His message & cheered his entry to Jerusalem with Palm branches!  He entered the Temple & began teaching, criticizing the opression of the Romans and the hypocracy of the Jewish religous elite, but He didn't seem to be doing anything.

Many followers and members in the audience probably hoped for him to pick up the mantle of revolution that Barabbas and his followers had failed to succeed in.  But the longer he talked, he seemed to be asking them to change.  He didn't discourage them from paying burdensome taxes to a corrupt Roman regime (even when specifically set up by the sceming religious leaders) and instead began talking of the resurrection; another kingdom to come, and the support probably waned.  Like me, they were impatient for God's justice here and now; uwilling to change themselves.

Then, with all the public's attention focused on Him, Jesus stopped in the middle of the Temple, and focused like a lazer on the widow's donation of a mere pittance in comparison to the wealthy gifts of those around her.  What's more, the donation would go to an elite religous establishment he has been criticizing as hypocritical and greedy! It would probably just buy more jewelery for the Pharisees mistresses!  But Jesus ignored the effect (or lack therof) the sacrafice would have here in this earth, but instead focused on the widow's motivation and sacrafice: what it cost her and how it will change her, not the world around her.

That's what we can give; ourselves.  We can give our obedience. That's what Jesus wants in I Peter 3:4.  That's what it takes to be citizens of God's kingdom: our obedience in giving sacrafices that no one will notice that might go to what seems to us to be evil purposes here on this earth.  Because it's in the act of obediently sacraficing ourselves to whatever end we are commanded to; trusting God for our care.

No mess to big

Today as I went about my tasks, I now allow Faith to tag along in different rooms of the house she hasn't been in very often, so I watched Faith get into things in exploring and I gauged when to intervene. Sometimes I was tempted to stop her because it would create a bigger mess than I wanted to take the time to clean up with her. (At this age she's not much help with the clean up.) I contemplated whether this is selfish on my part...maybe she should have this chance to analyze a little.  Other times I don't feel I have a choice because the danger is too great.

Being an English teacher I realized another aspect of the epic metaphor of parenting that God has so beautifully designed.  There's no mess too big for God to clean up & no danger so great He cannot heal if we bring it to Him.  So He allows us to get into some pretty big messes in exploring our world.  He probably does sigh, anticipating a huge cleanup, & sometimes I'm sure He's not happy watching us live in our own filth for awhile until we come to Him for help.  But it is the Enemy who would have us believe that God can't or won't clean our messes or heal our self-inflicted wounds.  Don't listen.

A modern Barabbas: Dorner & who will be the LAPD's neighbor?

I've grown up in Southern CA my entire life.  My family has been in CA for 4 generations now.  I never would have thought I would feel sympathy for a "cop killa."  I don't agree with much of Dorner's politics, and I am a Christian.  But I can no longer in good conscience pray only that Dorner doesn't hurt anyone else.  I am compelled to also pray for organizational change within the LAPD.

I remember the Rodney King scandal and the LA Riots and Mark Furman at the OJ trial as a confused tween.  I didn't know what to think; heard lots of defense/reasoning for the police from how King had a history of addiction to how he led them on a high speed chase, etc.  Since I had little experience with either police or drugs, I followed what my elders and the Bible told me: to respect and support those in authority.  The riots were terrifying, and many other people were hurt and killed, it couldn't possibly be justified, right? Later in history class, I learned about slavery and the Civil War.  Things have improved since then, right? I reasoned.  Then OJ.  He clearly did it, right?  What does a racist detective have to do with anything?

I've had a lot of discussions and realizations regarding race and drugs and society since then from college & through 10 years of working with all kinds of people in all walks of life.  I married a Latino who had a VERY different upbringing and experiences with law enforcement and had a few negative experiences together with the LAPD while dating.  And now Dorner.  I felt so terrible for the Quan family watching the coverage of the couple's execution Monday, & could tell that law enforcement and the media were baffled. 

Wednesday night I heard that they had found the person responsible for the couple's murder and was glad.  But on the way to work Thursday I was terrified and called my husband to ask him to stay home from work.  I wasn't terrified because they hadn't caught Dorner.  I was terrified of the LAPD.  I knew what so many minorities must live with on an everyday basis for so long.  What finally put me in their shoes?  I own a grey Nissan truck.

I'm a selfish, fallen human being.  I feel sick at what Dorner did to his union rep/lawyer Quan's daughter and her fiance, and Officer Cain.  But I'm overwhelmed with a mother's terror and self-preservation and the image of a shot up blue Toyota truck with bulletholes where my daughter would be riding in her carseat and bulletholes all over the surrounding neighborhood.  And I'm no longer willing to hear excuses like "it was shotgun pellets, the truck had no lights on," or that "it was driving slow, & tossing projectiles that could be explosives" or that "it didn't respond to warnings." 

If I were in favor of gun control before, why would I be in favor of it after knowing the LAPD would remain armed while I remain helpless?  The LAPD is stretched to it's limit with 50 details protecting it's own, leaving the rest of us to fend for ourselves for 10 minutes or more when we call 911.

Quan has suffered the unspeakable terror of losing a daughter and that was almost visited on a poor Chinese woman as well.  Law Enforcement is to be considered professionals for a reason: they aren't supposed to be trigger happy in residential neighborhoods and then make excuses about the victims being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Needless to say, I was more willing to hear Dorner's side while in this mood.  And that's the LAPD's problem all along.  They have NEVER ONCE issued a mea culpa for ANYTHING in my lifetime.  Not for Rodney King, not for Mark Furman, not for Giovanni Ramirez, not for Christopher Dorner.  It's nothing but excuses and I'm not willing to hear them anymore.  And in such I mood I read Dorner's "manifesto."

There was nothing in Dorner's post that caused me to fear for my personal safety or that of any of my friends or family, but I can ceratinly see why that post (combined with his actions) strikes fear into the heart of everyone in law enforcement and their families.  As an Angelino who doesn't have a dog in either fight, I have more to fear from the LAPD for the duration of this hunt than I do from Dorner.

That's not to say that I'm not heartbroken and angry for the murders of innocent people that Dorner is accused of committing.  & there you see the second problem for the LAPD: my shift in my language.  Even given the threats clearly written in his post, I'm not entirely willing to discount a farfetched conspiracy we could only dream of at this point. so a little tip: let some other agency bring him in. and above all don't kill him and make him into a martyr.   And I'm a little baffled at their incompetence in the ensuing search.

He doesn't seem to be the one with a problem hitting his intended targets, and as selfish as it sounds, neither I nor my friends or family are on that list.

This selfish thinking is an evil temptation of my selfish, fallen thinking.  And this is Dorner's main problem.  He appears to have had good friendships, intelligence and resources to fall back on, until he sold his soul to make this point.  Was my epiphany regarding how terrifying the LAPD truly is, really worth your life and soul, Mr. Dorner?  That is terribly sad, and I pray you repent and value your life over your name.  Is being a murderer of innocent family members truly a better name than the liar you were accused of being?  And how sad that none of your friends were willing to get you the mental counseling you so desperately needed before you hurt others, and still need before you hurt more.

In reading your list of grievances, my husband and I knew it was true, because we have both experienced similar corruption in the nepotism of employment in government agencies.  It baffles me how the LAPD could never once fire an officer for mistreating/ridiculing a suspect but fire an officer for the 1st offence of lying about a colleague/partner. 

But this is not a reason to dedicate your life to waging psychological warfare by taking the innocent lives of their family members.  If you truly cared about the public, you seem intelligent enough to know that the LAPD will take it out on the rest of us.  And that is the real tragedy of those who would call you a hero.  They will suffer the most in all of this. You told the Chief that he needs a "come to Jesus moment" & I pray you are still open to one of your own.

You are wrong about Jesus, Mr. Dorner.  He may not have been called the racial ephithet used for African Americans, but he was called other names. You also profoundly misunderstand His story, fiction or nonfiction.  And the Bible is poetry, mytheme, self-help theology/philosophy, and so much more.  Jesus was railroaded by a corrupt court and lying witnesses in the middle of the night, and tortured and publicly ridiculed so a murdering freedom fighter could be free. So in a very real way, Mr. Dorner, Jesus took the place of someone just like you.

You opened our eyes to some really repulsive behavior by your colleagues, and in your fallen way, you are trying to even the scales in the best way you know how.  But it will not work.  It can't.

Systemic corruption including nepotism and abuse of the public trust doesn't necessitate or justify murder to bring attention to it or change it.  But the fact that it has led to several murders which the public has generally responded with "We don't condone that...but..." should give the LAPD and indeed the Department of Justice pause.  This is a long haul, and we better begin to pray hard.  But this time, I choose Jesus, not Barabbas.